The issue of in-laws is one which many wives wish did not exist in marriage. This is because it is the bane of many ailing marriages. Many daughters-in-law tend to dislike their mothers-in-law and very few daughters-in-law have ever had any thing good to say about a mother-in-law. Many spinsters wish that they will not have one when they marry their husbands.
Many mothers-in-law are often seen as overbearing, busybodies and a wife's greatest rival. The questions to ask are:
'Why are mothers-in-law generally understood by their daughters-in-law?' 'Are mothers-in-law truly bad?'
In many homes across the world, especially in African settings, there is usually an unending, raging conflict between a mother-in-law and her daughter-in-law.
There are two parties to the conflict - the wife and her husband on one hand and the mother-in-law on the other hand. To be able to provide understand the causes of the conflict, it is pertinent to assess the roles played by each party to the conflict.
The wife and her husband
Many wives, especially African wives, come into marriage, fully prepared for battle based on pre-conceived notions that mothers-in-law are evil and must be put in their right places. Thus they have formed an opinion of their in-laws and have concluded that the in-laws are antagonists. So, if a wife has a kind and loving mother-in-law, she would misconstrue everything that the mother-in-law says or does.
A wife may have an illusion that once her husband marries her, he must abandon his parents and cling to her. This illusion is based on a scripture that says that '' A man will leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife''. By their faulty interpretation of this scripture, they seem to forget that the same scripture commands that 'a man should honor his parents''
A sensible man will not abandon his parents because he married a wife. He must continue to relate with them and to provide for them. However, his relationship with them should not allow unnecessary interference in his affairs, especially marital affairs by his relations.
Unfortunately, in many places especially in Africa, relations do interfere in the marital affairs of a married relation and this attitude is a product of an African's cultural values particularly the extended family system.
The extended family system of the Africans is a beautiful and commendable cultural system that allows a member to be his brother's keeper. However, one major defect of this system is a member's assumed right to meddle in the marital affairs of another member.
No parent has the right to meddle in the marital affairs of a son except the son grants them the power to do so. Such powers, when given are often abused and the mother-in-law is the chief culprit. A son who grants rights of interference to his relations is obviously lacking in maturity and is still in bondage to his parents i.e. tied to their apron strings. Marriage is for adults and real men. Real men are not just men by physique as some men really are. Maturity is the ability to take full responsibility for one's actions and to face one's challenges
There is a world of difference between a healthy respect for one's parents and servitude to them. Many men do not seem to know this difference. A son who allows undue interference in his marital affairs is consciously or unconsciously setting the stage for a conflict especially where his wife detests and resents such interference. In this wise, the son/husband has become a part of the problem.
Some men are emotionally attached to their parents especially their mothers and this is the loop that a mother-in-law takes advantage of to trouble her daughter-in-law.
The mother-in-law
A mother-in-law wants to be loved and accepted by her son. She wants to be remain relevant in his life and be treated as a priority. The Mother-Son relationship is one of the most intimate but non-sexual relationships.
Mothers are usually very passionate about their sons. Some mothers who may have had rough and difficult marriages in their time with probably impossible husbands usually take solace in their children to comfort them and care for them. They may have suffered a great deal and had borne numerous indignities to train and bring up their children. They would see their children as their little husbands.
Suddenly, a young woman appears on the scene to take away her son's attention from her. She feels oppressed and becomes heartbroken. The mother fails to realize that when her son gets married, she now belongs to the backseat while her daughter-in-law takes the front seat in her son's life. The mother still desires to have the full attention of her son which her daughter-in-law will see as rivalry and competition.
Therefore the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a battle for the attention and control of the son/husband.
Some mothers-in-law are unnecessarily difficult and can not be pleased or satisfied by a daughter-in-law. Sometimes it is out of envy especially if the mother-in-law had a rough and unhappy marriage and her daughter-in-law now has a happy and cordial relationship.
Some mothers-in-law have good intentions, genuinely interested in the welfare of their son which the daughter-in-law may misconstrue to mean poke nosing.
The Way Forward
The relationship with one's in-laws is a sensitive one that requires knowing how to handle it without rupturing it. Also, the marital relationship is so unique that the couple must not allow their relationship with in-laws to destroy it.
It is the husband's role to lead every conflict resolution involving his wife and her in-laws because he is the head of the home. In-law misunderstandings are bound to occur and should be tackled as they occur, rather than being left to degenerate.
A husband has the duty to protect his wife and to stand by her at every time. Marriage is 'leaving and cleaving''. What this means is that all the relationships that existed before the marriage must be broken before the marriage bond can be formed. A husband who is a real and matured man, who is not tied to the apron strings of his parents, must be able to stand on his feet and must disallow external interference in his marital affairs. This does not mean that the husband will cease to relate with his relations.
In spite of hostility from in-laws, a wife can not distance herself from them because when she married her husband, she married his family as well. So, there is no way that she can obliterate her in-laws. She should look inward to check herself first to see if there are any issues within her which caused the friction.
She must realise that today,she is a wife and daughter-in-law to someone,but tomorrow she will have daughters-in-law and her daughters will also have mothers-in-law. What she sows today in her relationship with her mother-in-law is what she will reap in future when she becomes a mother-in-law
A wife must learn to do her best to tolerate and accommodate in-laws, and also love them. She should be humble and friendly with them, show respect and care. These efforts on her part will show that she is from a good home and with good upbringing.
However, if in-law misunderstandings still arise, it is the duty of her husband to protect his wife from his relations while maintaining cordiality in relationship with them. This does not mean that the husband will quarrel with his parents. It will require the application of tact and wisdom on his part because relations with in-laws must not be ruptured on account of any marriage.
For peace to reign in the home, the onus is on the wife to maintain cordial relations with her in-laws and her husband must demonstrate the maturity that is necessary to disallow in-laws' interference in his marital affairs. The wife and her husband are one flesh in marriage and they must both protect their marriage against external attacks.
The author, Ayodele Adegbulugbe is a freelance writer who owns the marital success blog, http://www.maritalsuccessresource.com
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